For The First Time

Mama knows best is one of those cliche sayings you hear when your a child, but you never really listen to the advice from those three simple words. We never really take a moment from this fast life to marvel at the small mundane things that we need to start appreciating because it sadly took a rude awakening for me to try and be grateful each day.

This world was created for love and unity but all I have seen or experienced in some form or fashion is abuse of power, judgement of others and high powered owners of businesses taking for granted what God has blessed them with in life. This is exactly why our people are living on the streets worrying about their next meal, addicts from ALL walks alike robbing, lying, or selling their bodies or worse, forced to, while hunting something for the awful psychological and body pains associated with withdrawals or even worse babies growing up without their families. High power brings the dope in the USA while incarcerating and financially penalizing us for it but then only charge people that commit rape, molestation or any other sexual act 2 to 4 years or even probation.

I look around seeing us all so caught up in the worldly possessions. We have lost track of what life is about because we continue to remove God from our lives. Why are we not aloud to say his name while holding our hearts and saying Our Pledge of Alligiance? Why do you have to wear certain clothes, speak and act a specific way to be considered a believer? I don’t know about you, but I am worried about offending God not some human being that is “on my level.” I want eternal life past the beautiful arches of those pearly white gates.

We are afraid to hurt other peoples feelings or if we do maybe its criticized in the eyes of your circle of friends or family. If you dont try to speak politically correct nowadays than we as a society divid ourselves thinking ourselves is always the correct individual or organization. If we keep doing this eventually we will be the destruction of ourselves too from the differences that make us beautiful.

I thought I knew it all when I was a little girl and wanted to grow up so fast because I saw on TV that flashy kind of life with perfect hair, body and family, but life happend and it wasn’t so dreamy anymore. I never listened to my elders advice or older kids I looked upto because we are all selfish as hell and stubborn at that age. My mom isn’t perfect, but damn it she is genuine and one of the best moms I will ever know because she taught me values, respect, love, and trust and to love the Lord. Some of my poor choices in life would not probaby happened if I would have listened to her for once, but I had to be bull headed as hell and that brought extra pain throughout life.

I had a strong intuition hit me like a ton of bricks about Mama knows best and for the first time I am going to listen. Instead of fighting for my beliefs or values, kill them with kindness because riding through a town that carries tremendous pain showed me how the first hells bells literally caused me to loose my mind for a bit, but what’s important is now especially when the pain doesn’t control me as much keeps getting smaller and smaller. I finally accepted some things and completely forgave some last resentments I felt held me back from moving forward into my new chapter in this amazing life I’ve been given.

Funny to think God knew exactly how I would be stubborn so he so beautifully and methodically created other events in my life to wake me up and get me to go after a second chance in life. Sometimes a blessing can be extremely overwhelming too. While reflecting riding home a sudden strong emotion swept my heart and thoughts.

I am going to stand my ground with my Mom too though with believing in myself and knowing I can and will achieve sobriety and a new way of life without the families spending tons of money or state to provide homes we just end of becoming frequent flyers.

My mom is correct when she says that I can’t overcome obstacles until I let go of the anger and vengeance & life can only move upward if I am living in a way of giving back through the love God overflowed in my heart. At this point I have nothing else to lose so Sunday May 5th 2019 will be my final day 1 and if I fail then I enroll at a rehab immediately, no ifs, ands or butts about it.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Do I have green or brown thumb?..to be continued…

Our First Secret Garden

Rose Bushes

Azaleas

Herbs & Extra Veggies

I never would have thought there is a science to gardening because I always thought you just put seeds in the door and water, but there is so much more to it. Today I started my first garden and I’m super excited to see if I have a green or brown thumb. I learned that plants even have hormones like humans do too and being a newbie on learning to regulate my hormones so I can have a stronger immune system, increased sex libido, more energy, mood swings balanced and infertility as well as depression/anxiety or stress. This garden is my own secret personal garden because it has been extremely therapeutic for me in the hardest time of my life. All at one time my past traumatic events not faced, negative character defects, current traumatic events and character defects, future goals, realization of family and friends all ranging from gang rape, parent passing at young age, domestic violence, substance abuse, homelessness as well as sex trafficking survivor so this is a wide range and that’s not even getting into my character defects or some other personal challenges I’m learning to overcome. The garden has supported my mind not racing with 20 different things that I need to complete and it has actually been great for my agitation at times when it gets real rough in life that we all have at times. I think watching something I put TLC in from just a seed to fresh vegetables for fresh salads or trying a new tea recipe from my herb garden I am going to feel like I’ve accomplished one of my goals. I learned in meetings how you should take care of a plant for a year, then a pet and finally you would be ready to have a relationship and I can see where it relates now. I believe sometimes in life we take for granted the small things that actually have huge impacts in our lives like understanding what it’s like to grow the plants we need for health and wellness. Another benefit to starting my own garden is the money I will save because I am growing them in my backyard so no need to have to go buy them from the stores. We tend to rely on technology so much that starting a garden is a great change from staying glued to the TV or phone too. I think if I am a natural at this garden stuff, I might just grow enough to make a little side money selling to my local neighbors and even some small businesses. This finding a hobby to replace negatives in my life has helped tremendously and I’m excited to paint some of my new potting plants. I can even paint some for gifts that will be sentimental because it was done with my time, love and care verses a store bought gift. This is why I have called this our own secret garden because I have my secrets of depression, anxiety, mood swings, old memories and tears sown into every plant, vegetable or herb. It like my own personal baby to tend to every day and I am really looking forward to see how talented I am at this homemade garden.

Psalms 51:10

A clean heart means personal transformation to become spiritually fit and allow my heart’s desires to shine. It is going towards the place that gives me inner peace no matter if the cost is dying and being reborn again. I believe not knowing what was coming for me next probably gave me an advantage as much as I hated it, I have a hunger for life now when before I was just there flowing with the universe but not truly engaging my true self. I know that without being able to fully forgive others and most importantly myself, then I couldn’t fully love people how my heart was made to have love for all…even to those whom have inflicted pain. I have grown slowly which is a 1st for me because I always wanted everything right then as soon as I had the thought, but reality teaches you patience and I know I have a little more growing to do with forgiveness and love.

Gardening and refurbishing furniture with DIY projects have created a tranquility in my daily life and it is a productive options that scoots me closer to my end goals versus laying in bed all day, or constantly replaying memories that get me in my anxious, flight or fight mode. I’m ready to finish my letters to the last ones that I hold resentments to and start letting go so I can 100% emerge my mind, body and soul to strengthening the gifts God blessed me with in life.

The Journey Begins: Forgiveness

I’ve never experienced this raw emotion of feeling as if I didn’t belong anywhere, just completely misunderstood especially with the rumors floating around the town. Am I in a dream? How and why is God still having me endure so much pain of loneliness and humbleness because I have learned those lessons long ago in my youth. I have to be missing something to feel stuck and God knows my heart, but you can’t help but to feel anticipation. It totally tore my heart from my soul to listen to my family members treat me as though I am irrelevant and we are sticking to “Just take one for the team” motto without any disregard to how I feel, what ran in my mind through all this, and most importantly what strengths and weakness can I take away from the present circumstances? I naturally by character default have always tried to grab a lesson from all my trials but this one had this deep rage, resentment, fury that sometimes scared me a little bit. Why? Rape is exactly what it is today in our society because of abuse of power. That fateful night scared the living shit, yes shit out of me! I bet I was a deer in headlights but I come with some freaking sharp horns too. I knew I followed hunches but who wouldn’t after that night that spun me out of control into the twilight zone. So here I am stuck on complete forgiveness of the main people in my life who I’ve held resentments with but have hurt them too. Most important one was forgiving myself for the lows I had to stoop to in order to survive the day. I held myself high in regards to leading by example, being a lover not a fighter, your word is all we have and now because I told a lie about who gang raped me I am not creditable…WOW!? Even if that lie was because you couldn’t speak the true assailants name because all involved especially the kids! I apparently needed to finding POP about that night somehow but switched who done it and where with intentions I can still heal and keep the peace. I have been a ton of things in my life, but never, ever could I be a woman of such evil as to lie on anyone and have them incarcerated on a lie. Has my family seriously been sucked up by a Vortex of straight mad men house? I am trying to learn forgiveness but then situations arise that started digging even deeper and some moments I wonder if I’m really strong enough to handle what I’ve been charging towards since 2016. Power in pray I guess or I have some really bad ass guardian Angel’s. That special prayer from 5 years ago still working faithfully in my heart, soul and mind. Psalms 51:10

Hi, my name is Emma Riley and this first blog post in the beginning for my true healing as I become an open book to all who share similar view, experiences, struggles, trials or triumphs. This is a safe place and my personal diary in my daily events that I want to share in Hope’s to find fellow travelers as myself or maybe need a little extra boost seeing they are not alone. I’ll share my daily journal and tips that have helped me along to way of true healing. Walk with me on this wild journey of total transformation and guide me as well with your experiences, trails and triumphs.